I'm starting to realize that God brought me over here for so many different reasons. It wasn't because my sister needed me, it wasn't just because she wanted me to be her "nanny," it wasn't just because a prophetic word was spoken about my future husband. Add this to the list: God is teaching me, through witnessing my sister's marriage and the daily interactions between her and her husband, how to make my future marriage everything I want it to be, and everything I DON'T want it to be. Okay, it's on the list. Good. Continuing on....
What started as something that could have just been a little ten minute conversation, turned into something that was almost a two hour sister session. You guys, I cannot explain to you HOW MUCH I LOVE THOSE!!!! You have no idea how much it means to me, like I'm near tears right now. We start talking about one little thing, and then the conversation just goes in directions that make it blatantly clear that the Holy Spirit is leading this conversation.
Let me give you a bit of background, and Katie or Mama, if you read this, I apologize in advance if any of this makes you sad. I guess this writing thing is a part of the healing process?
You guys. My sister is one of THE MOST IMPORTANT women in my life. I don't have many of them, but she is definitely top 5. Like, my number two. Mama is number one. Anyways. I remember my sister teaching me really important things. We shared a room my entire childhood pretty much. I remember she helped me learn how to read, she helped me learn how to tie my shoes by letting me practice tying a really pretty blue satin ribbon around her wrist; a ribbon that we took from one of my teddy bears, I think. I remember how she used to carry me around like I was her baby, and she even took me to show and tell once. Then we started growing up, and she started getting too cool for her baby sister. I recall one particular day when she was leaving me behind to go hang out with her friends and I yelled at her and called her a piss-ant. Yeah, I called my sister a piss-ant. I think I was seven? I remember seeing a hickey on her neck when she was like 16, I think, and I called her a really horrible name and told her to stay away from me, she was gross. I remember when our parents told us they were getting a divorce, and I remember the night we had a dinner and we made the decision who we were going to live with. Ryan and Josh chose to stay with dad in the house that we had all grown up in, and Katie decided to go with mom. Then it was my turn to choose sides- to choose between my mother and my father. I stared into my bowl of chicken noodle soup and I couldn't handle it anymore and ran into the living room, and sat on the piano bench. Katie came in and sat next to me and held my hand and said that deep down inside, I already knew the answer, and that it was okay. So, Katie and I moved out of our childhood home into a new apartment with our mom. All I remember is feeling very alone all the time. Katie was gone with her friends a lot, and mom was working. Then I remember the day that my sister told me that she had signed papers and enlisted in the Marines, and that she would be leaving after she graduated high school. She had chopped her hair off and SHE WAS LEAVING ME. Essentially abandoning me. I had nobody else. Who was going to help me be a teenager? Who was going to help me navigate high school? Who was going to help me pick out dresses for prom and homecoming? Who was going to be there for me to teach me everything I needed to know about dating and choosing a good boyfriend? I needed my sister to be there for me and she was leaving me.
Since I have been here (almost two months now), we have talked a couple of times about my heart and how I feel about myself. My heart is not whole, and a lot of my heart is closed off. We talked about vows that we make to ourselves and how those vows close off our hearts and essentially become stones, that are very hard to get rid of. What most of you don't know, now that I've been making all kinds of new friends over here in Maryland, is that I was once married. During that marriage, I endured abuse on many different levels. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and at times, sexually abused. I won't go into all of the nitty gritty detail here in this blog post, because this is essentially about tonights session with my sis, but what stemmed from that abuse, was a vow that I made to myself that I WILL NEVER EVER EVER allow a man to treat me that way EVER AGAIN. NEVER. Which, you know, is a good vow to make, right? Well, not exactly. I feel I have to constantly guard my heart from everyone that comes into my life, and it gets so exhausting. What I have realized is that in order for someone to love me completely and wholly, I have to first be able to see myself the way that God sees me. I've been damaged; my ex-husband repeatedly told me that I was worthless, that I could never make anyone happy, that I was a waste of time, and many other more horrible things that I refuse to repeat on this blog. I began to believe those things he told me. Now I have to get to a place where I am convinced of my true identity: the daughter of the King of Kings. A princess. That I am worthy of living and worthy of being loved and that my heart is beautiful and full of life and love and that someday, my heart will be handed to a man that God created just for me.
I am in NO WAY saying that my parents failed me. If there is ONE thing my parents taught my siblings and I, its how to LOVE. We never went without love. Ever. We were hugged and kissed and loved every single day of our childhood lives. They played with us and tickled us and we played games as a family. We went on trips and we spent time camping at the river and boating and enjoying time with other families. WE WERE SO LOVED. What I wasn't taught was how to guard my heart and save it for one person; for the RIGHT PERSON. I wasn't taught how to protect my virtue and wait for The One. Now, after a nightmare of a marriage and four years of wasted time that have left me reeling and hating who I am as a woman and a person, I am 28 years old and I have to start over. The good thing about this is that I now know what I want, and I know what I deserve. The time is now to keep my heart guarded while God does His work on me to make me perfect for the man that awaits me.
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