to my future husband.

I don't know who you are and I don't exactly know when you will come into my life, but I wanted to write to you and let you know a little bit about your future wife: me.

You see, it has taken me a long time to get to this place in my life. I know, its 28 years. I'm not just talking about the physical place in my life; I'm talking about the mental and emotional place that I am currently resting at. First and foremost, I want to take a minute and tell you that I am sorry. Why do I feel the need to apologize? There are many reasons, but the most important thing I have to apologize for is that I didn't save myself for you. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself and gave up the most important part of who I am. I gave myself away to someone who is no longer a part of my life, yet he holds the one thing that I should have saved for you, and for that I am so sorry. I can assure you, I am doing all that I can to protect myself from here on out, until you come into my life.

Secondly, I am sorry that I have already given my heart to other men. I look back and I realize that I wasn't following Christ's direction for my life, and those relationships were unnecessary, and ultimately, damaging. How can that be? Let me tell you. I once gave my life, my heart, and my hand to man and took his last name as my own. What I got from that marriage was nothing but pain and suffering. Not only was my body beaten and bruised, but my heart was shattered. I vowed to never be broken by a man again. I built a wall around my heart, forged together with bricks of bitterness and anger and supported by raging trust and commitment issues. I got out of that situation and found myself right back where I started: with a man who didn't deserve me. All the horrible details aside, I am not whole. There are pieces of me scattered around, that I cannot get back, no matter how badly I wish I could. I can assure you though, that I am trusting in God to restore me in His image, so that I can be perfect for you, whenever He decides that the time is right.

I also need to apologize for being slightly crazy. Crazy awesome, to be specific. I hope you can handle all this awesomeness; but of course you can, because that's what God has in store. Trust that He is prepared for so much awesomeness to exist in one household.

I would like you to know that I spend time everyday praying for us. I pray fervently for your heart to be in the right place, as well as mine. I pray that I can become exactly what Christ desires for you, and I pray that when we do cross paths, that we will know, without a doubt, that Christ is directing us. I pray that your intentions are pure; that you can resist temptation and strive to protect my virtue until our wedding day. I pray that for myself, as well. That I can respect you and uphold you and give you strength and support when you need it the most. Above all things, I pray that our relationship, and our eventual marriage, will be wholly and completely satisfying to our God. That He will smile upon us on our wedding day and be proud of His children for trusting in Him completely and making Him the foundation of our lives together.

I care about you immensely, though I do not know who you are yet. I'm waiting for you.