sessions with my sister II

I really don't even know where to begin this one, and it's probably going to be a really long one, so just bear with me.

I'm starting to realize that God brought me over here for so many different reasons. It wasn't because my sister needed me, it wasn't just because she wanted me to be her "nanny," it wasn't just because a prophetic word was spoken about my future husband. Add this to the list: God is teaching me, through witnessing my sister's marriage and the daily interactions between her and her husband, how to make my future marriage everything I want it to be, and everything I DON'T want it to be. Okay, it's on the list. Good. Continuing on....

What started as something that could have just been a little ten minute conversation, turned into something that was almost a two hour sister session. You guys, I cannot explain to you HOW MUCH I LOVE THOSE!!!! You have no idea how much it means to me, like I'm near tears right now. We start talking about one little thing, and then the conversation just goes in directions that make it blatantly clear that the Holy Spirit is leading this conversation.

Let me give you a bit of background, and Katie or Mama, if you read this, I apologize in advance if any of this makes you sad. I guess this writing thing is a part of the healing process?

You guys. My sister is one of THE MOST IMPORTANT women in my life. I don't have many of them, but she is definitely top 5. Like, my number two. Mama is number one. Anyways. I remember my sister teaching me really important things. We shared a room my entire childhood pretty much. I remember she helped me learn how to read, she helped me learn how to tie my shoes by letting me practice tying a really pretty blue satin ribbon around her wrist; a ribbon that we took from one of my teddy bears, I think. I remember how she used to carry me around like I was her baby, and she even took me to show and tell once. Then we started growing up, and she started getting too cool for her baby sister. I recall one particular day when she was leaving me behind to go hang out with her friends and I yelled at her and called her a piss-ant. Yeah, I called my sister a piss-ant. I think I was seven? I remember seeing a hickey on her neck when she was like 16, I think, and I called her a really horrible name and told her to stay away from me, she was gross. I remember when our parents told us they were getting a divorce, and I remember the night we had a dinner and we made the decision who we were going to live with. Ryan and Josh chose to stay with dad in the house that we had all grown up in, and Katie decided to go with mom. Then it was my turn to choose sides- to choose between my mother and my father. I stared into my bowl of chicken noodle soup and I couldn't handle it anymore and ran into the living room, and sat on the piano bench. Katie came in and sat next to me and held my hand and said that deep down inside, I already knew the answer, and that it was okay. So, Katie and I moved out of our childhood home into a new apartment with our mom. All I remember is feeling very alone all the time. Katie was gone with her friends a lot, and mom was working. Then I remember the day that my sister told me that she had signed papers and enlisted in the Marines, and that she would be leaving after she graduated high school. She had chopped her hair off and SHE WAS LEAVING ME. Essentially abandoning me. I had nobody else. Who was going to help me be a teenager? Who was going to help me navigate high school? Who was going to help me pick out dresses for prom and homecoming? Who was going to be there for me to teach me everything I needed to know about dating and choosing a good boyfriend? I needed my sister to be there for me and she was leaving me.

Since I have been here (almost two months now), we have talked a couple of times about my heart and how I feel about myself. My heart is not whole, and a lot of my heart is closed off. We talked about vows that we make to ourselves and how those vows close off our hearts and essentially become stones, that are very hard to get rid of. What most of you don't know, now that I've been making all kinds of new friends over here in Maryland, is that I was once married. During that marriage, I endured abuse on many different levels. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and at times, sexually abused. I won't go into all of the nitty gritty detail here in this blog post, because this is essentially about tonights session with my sis, but what stemmed from that abuse, was a vow that I made to myself that I WILL NEVER EVER EVER allow a man to treat me that way EVER AGAIN. NEVER. Which, you know, is a good vow to make, right? Well, not exactly. I feel I have to constantly guard my heart from everyone that comes into my life, and it gets so exhausting. What I have realized is that in order for someone to love me completely and wholly, I have to first be able to see myself the way that God sees me. I've been damaged; my ex-husband repeatedly told me that I was worthless, that I could never make anyone happy, that I was a waste of time, and many other more horrible things that I refuse to repeat on this blog. I began to believe those things he told me. Now I have to get to a place where I am convinced of my true identity: the daughter of the King of Kings. A princess. That I am worthy of living and worthy of being loved and that my heart is beautiful and full of life and love and that someday, my heart will be handed to a man that God created just for me.

I am in NO WAY saying that my parents failed me. If there is ONE thing my parents taught my siblings and I, its how to LOVE. We never went without love. Ever. We were hugged and kissed and loved every single day of our childhood lives. They played with us and tickled us and we played games as a family. We went on trips and we spent time camping at the river and boating and enjoying time with other families. WE WERE SO LOVED. What I wasn't taught was how to guard my heart and save it for one person; for the RIGHT PERSON. I wasn't taught how to protect my virtue and wait for The One. Now, after a nightmare of a marriage and four years of wasted time that have left me reeling and hating who I am as a woman and a person, I am 28 years old and I have to start over. The good thing about this is that I now know what I want, and I know what I deserve. The time is now to keep my heart guarded while God does His work on me to make me perfect for the man that awaits me.

paleo chocolate chip banana muffins.

Overripe bananas. Nobody likes those. So what do we do with them? We bake with them. I shouldn't be saying "we" because there was no "we" involved in this kitchen adventure. It was me. Katie had studying to do.

For those of you who DON'T know, I absolutely LOVE baking. I like cooking, but I'm really not as good at that as I am at baking. Don't get me wrong- I'm an amazing cook (or so I've been told), but baking is like my knock 'em dead card. It doesn't matter if its cake or cookies or cupcakes or muffins or whathaveyou....I freaking LOVE baking.

So today I decide to make banana muffins because the bananas are turning black and they need to be put to use. Now, Katie and I aren't eating bread so obviously I had to go with a paleo recipe. Now, if you know anything at all about eating paleo, then you know that it can be difficult to make yummy treats while sticking to the paleo (or paleo-ish) diet that we are on right now. Ever since I cut gluten out of my diet when I moved here, I have never felt better. I had a cheat day on my birthday but that's okay. Other than that, I've pretty much stuck with the whole gluten free, paleo-ish diet. We are kinda scared to go off the deep end and just go full on paleo. What can I say? I like chocolate. A LOT. And I highly doubt that chocolate is paleo.

I ended up finding an amazing recipe....on Pinterest of all places. It was one of those ones where someone blogged someone else's blog or something like that, so I had to go through three hyperlinks just to get to the actual recipe. Annoyance.

 Paleo Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins

http://gfrealfood.com/2012/01/21/banana-chocolate-chip-muffins/

The main satisfaction that I gain from baking is not delicious yummies. My satisfaction stems from other people enjoying the fruits of my kitchen labors. When someone's sweet tooth is satisfied because of my baking, then all is right in the world. 

I hope you guys try out this recipe. If you do, let me know how they turned out for you! We love to warm them up in the microwave and then smother them with butter, because....you know that's so paleo. I'm partial to coconut oil though. :) 

Happy baking, my friends!!!! 

Good Friday

Ever since I began my relationship with Jesus Christ, I was always a little conflicted as to why it's called Good Friday. I mean, if you've watched The Passion of the Christ, and you saw how they murdered him in such a brutal and torturous manner, how can that be good? Then I started to learn. 

YOU GUYS!!! ON GOOD FRIDAY, JESUS CHRIST DIED FOR US!!!! 

John 3:16-17

"For God SO LOVED THE WORLD that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world may be saved through him." 

1 Peter 2:24

"He himself BORE OUR SINS in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. 

BY HIS WOUNDS YOU HAVE BEEN HEALED."

1 Peter 3:18

"For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made ALIVE in the Spirit."

Jesus Christ came into the world, flesh and blood and alive and born of a virgin. God sent him into the world for this very purpose. Christ's life was laid out from the very beginning. This is what is so mind-blowing to me, and it gets me every single time and makes my heart feel better than ever. 

THERE IS A MAN WHO LOVED ME SO MUCH HE DIED FOR ME. 

DIED. FOR. ME.

Stay tuned, my friends.

SUNDAY IS COMING. 

I never used to like pears

So this morning, as I'm doing a million different things AKA cleaning my room/sorting laundry/taking care of children/laying the smack down on said children (AKA putting Josh in timeout for hitting Eli).....yeah, bare with me. Abby asks me for a pear. Then Eli asks me for a pear. Abby won't share, naturally, so Eli gets his own, and I eat a few slices, and it got the hamster spinning in my head....as if I need anything else going on in there.

I never used to like pears all that much, until I went to boot camp.

YOU GUYS!!! THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN DOES!!!!! It's so friggin' sporadic! HAHA.

It's the truth. I'm pretty sure my brother Josh was the one who liked pears in the family. I was a little (a lot) picky and didn't eat anything my mother put in front of me. Unless it was chicken. Then I went to boot camp and they gave us pears in our box lunches and I swear to you, I would trade my sandwich for pears. Or hard boiled eggs. Crap, where is this post going?

Anyways, I guess I should just stop while I'm ahead and get back to the million other things I'm trying to accomplish today. This....this post was DEEP. :)

eyes wide open.

So, spring break is upon us, which means that all five rascals are home for the week. Which means we get to sleep in. Which also means that my brain is like "HAHA NOPE!" and I wake up at 6:30 in the morning. Not fair, brain. Not fair at all.
I realized something when my eyes popped open this morning and I sort of laid in bed and stared at the ceiling for a moment. I realized how TERRIFYING this idea was. For me to open up in this blog and be honest with everyone. Like, really, Jenna....what the H were you thinking? This is scary and I don't know how to do this.

My birthday was on Sunday. Who cares, right? It's just a birthday. I always kind of chuckle at restaurants when the servers start their stupid clap songs and singing to some poor embarrassed soul and I say to whoever is near me, "Yay it's your birthday, you're one day closer to dying." Cynical, I know, but hear me out. Birthdays are for kids; kids get excited about birthdays because of hats and party favors and cake and bouncy houses and pizza and presents. What is there for adults to get excited about? Getting older? Y'all I don't wanna get old.
The point in bringing up my birthday was this, and bear with me because it was kind of a big deal even though it shouldn't have been a big deal. I started the morning off with church- good way to start the day, yes. Then, this really sweet gal named Jessica whom I met on the ChiveMD Facebook page came and picked me up and we went to the Waterfront Hotel down in Fells Point for brunch/drinks with some of the other people we had met on the page. My mom and Sara both called to wish me a happy birthday, as did my brothers, and dad wished me a happy birthday on Facebook (which has come to be expected, I think). Then that was it. None of my other "friends" back home called/texted/Facebooked me to wish me a happy birthday; yet a group of complete strangers whom I had just met welcomed me with open arms and sang me happy birthday and gave me birthday hugs and made me feel like my birthday was actually worth getting excited for. If any of you Chivers/Chivettes happen to be reading this- thank you, from the bottom of my heart. What you did for me on my birthday was beyond compare- you guys ROCK.
I got home from Fells and went in my room and cried. I say "cried" when in all actuality I bawled my eyes out. I can't remember how long I sat in my room alone, crying, until my sister came in to see if I was still alive, at which point she sat down with me and sort of gave me a verbal slap in the face for missing home so much when she hasn't been home since June 2010. How selfish of me, yet she understood my homesickness; how I had just moved 3,000 miles away from my friends who I didn't hear from all day on my birthday. It wasn't until I woke up on Monday morning to a flurry of notifications, and birthday posts on my wall. Nice, you guys. Better late than never. :)

I guess this is all just a part of moving on, right? I didn't just take a step outside of my comfort zone by packing up and moving over here. I completely demolished the comfort zone; it doesn't exist anymore. I realize in order to make new friends and find out what I'm made of, I've gotta put myself out there. That means I'm vulnerable to getting hurt, but hey....I've known hurt. We are pretty good friends.

Hope changes EVERYTHING.

You guys. Church this morning was EVERYTHING.

One of the things that I was semi-worried about with my move here to Maryland was getting connected into a new church community. I had just started going to New Vintage Church in Richland, and it was amazing. I loved the worship, the pastor, the messages....every week it was like God was SCREAMING a new confirmation at me that pertained to something about not only my move, but about life and love in general. So imagine my anxiety when it suddenly dawned on me that I'd have to find a new church community, one that I loved just as much (if not more) than New Vintage.

The past few weeks have proven that I have nothing to worry about when it comes to finding a community that I love just as I love New Vintage. I am so happy that my sister took me into Cornerstone Church in Bowie. Pastor Mark really reminds me a lot of Pastor Matt at New Vintage, in the sense that they are both SO REAL in their love and their passion for sharing the word of Jesus Christ, and bringing people to know His love and His hope for us.

Now, for those who know me, y'all know I've got a passion for singing. So naturally, my favorite part about a service is the WORSHIP. Normally, I'll spend some time preparing myself spiritually and emotionally before I head off to church, that way when I get into worship, it's just me and the Holy Spirit and nothing else matters. It's where I can pour out my heart to Him through song. Well today, they sang one of my favorite worship songs, "In Christ Alone." I don't know how many of you know it, but it is a constant reminder, every time I hear it, that Christ is SO MUCH BIGGER than any of the worries or problems that I have in my life; that He has CONQUERED death. It literally brings me to tears every time I hear it or sing it but most of the time, when I'm hearing it, I'm usually singing it, too. :)

Today's service topic was "Hope Changes Everything," and one of the main points that Pastor Mark wanted to discuss was death. Who likes talking about death? I sure don't. The thing about hope, though, is that it changes how you view death.

1 Peter 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! 

According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be 

BORN AGAIN to a LIVING HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading. 

The hope that Jesus gives is a living, longing, and lasting hope. 

Born again to a living hope!!! That is something I am totally game for! I'll touch on this more in depth in a separate blog post, but there was a time in my life when I was SO LOST I swore I couldn't be found, and if I ever was found it'd be in death, because I didn't want to live anymore. Christ met me where I was at and pulled me out of that. I was born again to a living hope- a gloriously beautiful living hope- through Christ. 

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

One of the quotes that really stuck with me, and spoke right to my heart, in this service was this:

There is NOTHING that comes our way that He hasn't already conquered.

No matter what comes my way, no matter what obstacles I face, no matter what problems arise....Christ has already conquered all of those. How freaking comforting is that?! Come on now!! It really makes me take root and think back to EVERYTHING that I have been through in my life- yes, from childhood all the way up until now- and OH MY GOSH!!! I survived it all because Christ conquered it! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The past 8-ish years of my life have not been easy. They have not been pretty. I swear I shouldn't be alive right now, but obviously God needs me around, because I survived it. Even when I didn't WANT to survive it, I did. By the grace of God I've been spared and I'm still here. I can't thank HIM enough. 

Needless to say, I feel very optimistic and very excited about what is to come at Cornerstone. I look back and I wonder why I was worried about finding a home church when GOD ALREADY HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT!!!! Silly me. 

I honestly love you guys. 

my legs! they're jello!!!

Holy morning WOD.

"What the hell have I gotten myself into?!" 

The question that burned itself through my brain and my body as I warmed up (which was a WHOLE WORKOUT IN AND OF ITSELF!!! WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS?!) and proceeded to battle it out with my first ever Crossfit WOD (workout of the day).

This is no joke, my friends. After we were done with the WOD, which was an AMRAP of 3 power cleans (yeah, I'm learning weights, y'all), 6 toes to bar (which I modified to my weak-ass beginner level), and 9 burpees (nobody likes burpees- if you do, shut your mouth), in 10 minutes (I completed three rounds+3 power cleans), the new thought going through my brain and my body was this:

JENNA YOU SUCK FOR LETTING YOURSELF GET SO OUT OF SHAPE!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know how or why or when I let it happen, but it happened. To be completely 100% honest with you, I hate myself for it. I was in great shape when I was in the Marines, and I had never felt better. Then I got out and hated my life and everything sucked and yada yada yada and I gained a bunch of weight. I got lazy and unmotivated and was depressed. It didn't help that I was in a seriously unhealthy relationship with a man who absolutely refused to build me up, but instead decided to break me down. Yeah, friends, he wasn't THAT great of a guy after all. I'll tackle that subject in another blog post sometime. 

Needless to say, I'm in a new place in life, and that means getting healthier. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't want to look in the mirror everyday and see an unhappy, unhealthy Jenna anymore. I want to be able to wear my size 5 jeans without squeezing into them and then taking them off and living in leggings and yoga pants because my muffin top disgusts me. 

Here's to the beginning of a new journey, and the beginning of a beautiful transformation. 

jenna<3

Sessions with my sister.

I say "sessions" like she's my therapist. Which she kinda is. I don't know any other woman that I can go to for the kind of advice that she throws at me (sorry mama and Sara, no offense). My sister always has been and always will be one of my very bestest friends. I mean, this is the woman with whom I shared a room for a majority of my life. She taught me how to tie my shoes, how to read, how to shave my legs (don't judge). The bare necessities, y'all!

She has always been the one to remind me that God knows the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4- Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart). I keep asking her, "So....if God knows the desires of my heart, then He knows that I want a man with a rocking beard, awesome tattoos, loves the Detroit Red Wings, and loves Christ more than he loves me, right?" To which she replies, "Yes, Jenna...." Which brings me to the ACTUAL point of this post.

Last night, we were standing in line at Chipotle (which has become a seriously common thing since I moved here), and ahead of us in line was a guy with awesome tattoos and an awesome beard, but he was wearing Orioles stuff so I couldn't be having that....at all. HAHA. Then she asked me a question that really got to me. She said, "So let me ask you this. What if a guy comes along and he has NO tattoos and NO beard but he has AWESOME EYES and he loves Christ more than he loves you?"

Now, the awesome eyes thing...that stems from a vision she had of me meeting the man that Christ created just for me. Naturally, there was no flashing billboard with his name and his phone number or anything like that in her vision, just that he had awesome eyes. HUGE help there. That is THE MOST FRUSTRATING THING about this whole "following and trusting in God's plan" thing. HE DOESN'T MAKE IT EASY!!!!!!

Now, to be perfectly honest....if a guy came along and he had NO tattoos and NO beard, but he loved Christ MORE than he loves me (Christ HAS TO BE the foundation- no ifs, ands, or buts about it), then of course I wouldn't turn him away. The thing is is that lately I have been so hung up on what I want instead of resting in what GOD wants for me. It shouldn't be about how a man looks on the outside that matters, it should be about what his HEART looks like. Is his heart created in the exact image of what Christ wants for me? It reminds me of this quote: "A woman's heart should be so hidden by Christ that a man must seek Him first to find her."

It just reminded me that I've been more focused on the world than on Christ, and that happens from time to time. Leave it to my sister to bring me away from that line of thinking, and get me re-focused on what REALLY matters- TRUSTING IN GOD'S PLAN.

until next time,
jenna<3