its time for a change.

When you see me out and about having a good time with my friends, you may see a smile on my face or hear my loud, obnoxious laughter (sometimes I snort). You may see me dancing along to the music, or singing along at the top of my lungs. You may also think to yourself "damn, that girl is so happy all the time...how does she do it?"

Well, you're wrong. I'm not happy all of the time. I do a damn good job of hiding how unhappy I am by plastering a smile on my face. Faking it, if you will. Now don't get me wrong; when I am out with my friends I am genuinely happy. Being around the people who love me for my idiotic "Jenna Moments" and my ADOS (attention deficit ooooh shiny) makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. The unhappiness that I am talking about is how disgusted I am with myself when I look in the mirror.

Show me a girl who doesn't suffer from body image issues. It's impossible. Women have so much pressure to look a certain way and act a certain way in order to live up to society's "standards" of what the perfect woman is. The "perfect" woman these days seems to be a size zero with a nice tan, long beautiful hair, a flat stomach, big boobs, and a thigh gap. THAT DAMN THIGH GAP!!!! These "standards" are detrimental to a woman's self-confidence and the way she sees herself when she looks in the mirror.

For me, it's a daily battle with my body image issues. I'm not going to lie- I used to be in really good shape. Marine Corps boot camp toned my body to a trim 125 pounds. When I got out of the Marines in 2009, I was in the 130-135 range but I had more muscle than I did fat. My body fat percentage was lower than normal for a woman my age/height/weight. Then this crazy thing called "life" happened, and I stopped running as much as I used to, got a little lazy, put on weight...and it's been that way for awhile. Bring in the factor of a stressful relationship with a man who never made me feel beautiful in my own skin, and it started to break me down. The depression that I had been battling with for a few years came creeping back and yet I had to keep it bottled up. When I was bartending, that weight seemed to just fall off; I wasn't "skinny," I was "toned." Running around and always being on my feet for a 12 hour shift did wonders for my weight loss. I could finally SLIP (not STRUGGLE) into the size 4 jeans I hadn't worn since I lived in 29 Palms. What a feeling that was!!! I felt so good about myself!

Since I moved to Maryland, I've put on a bit of weight. I went from wearing those size 4s, to a size 8, and the last pair of jeans I bought are a size 9 and those are now too small for me. Finding an outfit to wear when I go out with friends is a struggle to the point where sometimes I want to send out a text and back out of our plans because I feel and look so fat in pretty much everything I wear. It also doesn't help when my nine year old niece mentions my weight, although she does it in the sweetest way possible, it's still a dagger to the soul.

So this here is my proclamation for a change. I'm going to make a change, not only physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I need to learn how to love myself the way I did before, when I was the happiest I had ever been. Any and all encouragement and motivation is gladly accepted, but please DO NOT say stuff like "you're tiny" or "you're beautiful the way you are" or "you're skinny already" because NOTHING pisses me off more than that. You may be trying to be nice and encouraging and uplifting but statements like that do not help a girl who has such negative body image issues; in my experience, its actually physically painful trying to convince someone how wrong they are when they have no idea how you are feeling inside.

From here on out, you may see more blog posts from me, documenting my journey to get back to where I once was. You can choose to read along and join me on this journey, or you can just ignore it and keep scrolling, it's your choice. This is just my way of getting the issues off of my chest so I don't have to carry the weight of it on my shoulders. :)

Love and blessings to you! <3

Reflections.

Happy Wednesday. Good ole hump day. Sitting here thinking about anything and everything all at the same time, while my nieces and nephews play with play-doh and make a mess on the carpet, as Abby runs around without a diaper and yelling "NAH!" when I ask her if she needs to go potty, and texting my BFF back home whom I miss with all of my soul, and just wishing for some sort of provisions to help get me home because I miss her and those beautiful boys of hers.

Have you heard of that app called Timehop? Everyday it sends you basically a flashback reel of what you had posted on Facebook the past few years, and today my Timehop flashback consisted of pictures of my last couple of weeks with my ex, Jimmy. Sometimes I look back on our relationship and I really cannot believe that we stayed together for FOUR YEARS. We went through SO MUCH that would have essentially ripped any other couple apart, and yet we survived. The deployments, the training, the long distance. There were times when I was convinced that we weren't going to make it, but we did. The fact that we aren't together anymore is just proof that God had a different plan for my life, and I cannot be upset about that. It's been almost a year since we broke up, and in the past year I've realized that he was holding me back from tapping into who I really am. Don't get me wrong- Jimmy taught me things about myself not only as a woman, but as a human. He helped make me a stronger version of myself and for that, I will always thank him. I really do wish him nothing but happiness in every aspect of his life.

When God called me to Maryland, I had no idea what was in store for me. I sit here and I look back on the past (almost) five months that I have been here and I'm blown away by the friendships that I have made. My friends here have helped fill the void that I had felt for the past (almost) year. I don't know what God has in store for me in the love department but if I trust in His plan, then I know that it is bound to be something amazing.

Well, time to sign off and make the kiddos some lunch. There's a huge bowl of guacamole in the refrigerator calling my name.

Have a blessed, beautiful day.

my heart is so full of love

Back in January when my sister called me up and asked me to move here to Maryland, naturally I needed some time to mull it over before I made a concrete decision. Of course I weighed the pros and cons and I spent A LOT of time praying about it. When it became clear as day that moving to Maryland was the next step in my journey, my first thought was, "HOW AM I GONNA MAKE FRIENDS?!!!!" Now let me tell you this- I'm an awkward person; I'm loud (sometimes obnoxiously loud), but I'm 95% deaf in my left ear and that sort of makes it difficult for me to gauge my volume levels. I'm brutally honest, to the point where it can make people uncomfortable. I'm one of those people who lacks that brain-to-mouth filter thing- do they even exist? I say what comes to my mind and sometimes it can be a tad on the offensive side, and I rarely apologize for the things that come out of my mouth (unless I see that I deeply offended someone, then I'll apologize). Add all of these things together in one person and your end product is me- all five feet six inches of insanely awesome teetering on the edge of crazy. A person like me, with all of that going on, doesn't make friends very easily. Wait- scratch that. I do make friends but I'm scared to try because I don't know how people are going to take me in. They may smile to my face and laugh along with me, but then as soon as I walk away, are they mocking me? Are they laughing about me to their other friends? Are they making fun of me in any capacity? That is what goes through my head when I meet new people. It has caused an anxiety attack on more than one occasion.

On Saturday, ChiveMD had a mega meet up; a charity putt putt golf tournament at Power Plant Live! in Baltimore. Naturally, I made plans to be on a team with my other half Jessica and the third leg to the tripod, Michael. Then it sort of evolved into two teams forming, add in a couple people who needed a team, and one genius idea for everyone to wear tutus (because I was gonna be wearing one, so why wouldn't the rest of the team, duhhh....) and the end product just so happens to be what we now call the Tutu Mafia.

(Not pictured: Nicole. She showed up later)

(The guy photobombing us isn't a part of the mafia)

In one day, this group of people invaded my soul and etched themselves little places in my heart. I had met them all before and have adored them since the first time I met them- aside from Smoot (the tall guy in the red shirt and yellow tutu), whom I literally met on Saturday and instantly adored him. This group of people came together and instantly, friendships were formed, and an unbreakable bond was forged. I spent an entire day falling head over heels for these people and now all I want to do is hang out with them every single day for the rest of my life. They are the reason I will survive Maryland. They are the reason why I don't ever want to leave this place because after one day, I cannot imagine a life without them. They accepted me and all my crazy shenanigans and to be completely honest, they are just like me so we mesh well. 

I got home from the meet up and could not go to sleep for the life of me, because I was so high off of all the love I felt throughout the day because of these people. It's a high I never want to come down from. 

So to the Tutu Mafia- Smoot, Red, Kyle, Michael, Jessidoll, JMills, Nicole, and Megan- thank you for accepting me and loving me just the way that I am. I wish that everyday could be like Saturday. From here on out, it's ride or die. Tutu Mafia for life. I love you all to infinity and beyond. You make life worth living. 

let me tell you about my mama

This beautiful woman is my mother, Karen. 

My mother is the most amazing person in this world. I don't say that lightly or nonchalantly or just because; I say it because it's the truth. She is, without a doubt, the very epitome of a mother. When God called her to be a mom, He did it knowing that she would rise to the challenge, and go above and beyond her duty as a mom. She has done all that and more. I don't think I would be half the woman I am today if it weren't for her. 

Growing up, she did everything she could to show us that she loved us more than anything in the world, and she did a damn good job of it. She filled our hearts with happiness, our heads with words of affirmation, our bellies with breakfasts and lunches (with apples in the tuna and little notes on the napkins), and dinners that were prepared by her hands and always included heavy doses of love, and filled our ears with all of the best music to ever be made. When we were hurt, she kissed our boo-boos and made them all better. When we were seriously injured, you could see the pain manifested on her face as her beloved babies dealt with broken bones and third degree burns and somehow, I don't know how she did it, but she took our pain away and ingested it all for herself. She supported us through everything we put ourselves into- sports, dancing, school, you name it- and we succeeded because Mama had our backs. She never hesitated to let us know how proud she was of us, and she still does that to this day. 

A woman such as my mother deserves love and respect and to be put up on a pedestal. That wasn't always the case. We weren't always amazing children. There were times when we were FAR from amazing. Personally speaking, I think I gave my mom the worst of it. I was a horrible child. While my mother was the epitome of a loving mom, I was the epitome of an angry child, one that threw her anger and resentment right in her mother's face. I treated my mom with absolute disrespect, pretty much all through high school, and it's sad to say that I didn't realize the full worth of the mother gold mine that I had at my disposal until I joined the Marine Corps. When I all but spit in my mother's face, she still loved me. There were times when I downright DID NOT deserve the love and grace that my mama showered upon me. There were times when I simply did not deserve to have her as a mother; but what did she do? She loved me through all of it. She LOVED me, no matter the hate and disrespect I showered upon her. 

As I said earlier, I didn't realize the true worth of my mother until I joined the Marines, and that's the absolute truth. When I didn't have my mama anymore, all I wanted was my mama. After growing up and realizing exactly what kind of hell I used to put her through, I vowed that I would do nothing but show my mom love and appreciation and respect, because that's what she deserves, all of that and so much more. 

So, on this Mother's Day 2014, I want you to know this, mamabear. I want you to know that I love you more than you could ever imagine. I am so very blessed that God made you my mama, because He knew you would be able to handle a firecracker such as myself. You have made Him proud, because you hit this mom thing right out of the park. I pray that when the time comes for God to make me a mama, that He will mold me into at least half of the mother that you are. Anything more than that, would be an honor. 

I love you forever and I hope that your Mother's Day is blessed. <3

to my future husband.

I don't know who you are and I don't exactly know when you will come into my life, but I wanted to write to you and let you know a little bit about your future wife: me.

You see, it has taken me a long time to get to this place in my life. I know, its 28 years. I'm not just talking about the physical place in my life; I'm talking about the mental and emotional place that I am currently resting at. First and foremost, I want to take a minute and tell you that I am sorry. Why do I feel the need to apologize? There are many reasons, but the most important thing I have to apologize for is that I didn't save myself for you. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself and gave up the most important part of who I am. I gave myself away to someone who is no longer a part of my life, yet he holds the one thing that I should have saved for you, and for that I am so sorry. I can assure you, I am doing all that I can to protect myself from here on out, until you come into my life.

Secondly, I am sorry that I have already given my heart to other men. I look back and I realize that I wasn't following Christ's direction for my life, and those relationships were unnecessary, and ultimately, damaging. How can that be? Let me tell you. I once gave my life, my heart, and my hand to man and took his last name as my own. What I got from that marriage was nothing but pain and suffering. Not only was my body beaten and bruised, but my heart was shattered. I vowed to never be broken by a man again. I built a wall around my heart, forged together with bricks of bitterness and anger and supported by raging trust and commitment issues. I got out of that situation and found myself right back where I started: with a man who didn't deserve me. All the horrible details aside, I am not whole. There are pieces of me scattered around, that I cannot get back, no matter how badly I wish I could. I can assure you though, that I am trusting in God to restore me in His image, so that I can be perfect for you, whenever He decides that the time is right.

I also need to apologize for being slightly crazy. Crazy awesome, to be specific. I hope you can handle all this awesomeness; but of course you can, because that's what God has in store. Trust that He is prepared for so much awesomeness to exist in one household.

I would like you to know that I spend time everyday praying for us. I pray fervently for your heart to be in the right place, as well as mine. I pray that I can become exactly what Christ desires for you, and I pray that when we do cross paths, that we will know, without a doubt, that Christ is directing us. I pray that your intentions are pure; that you can resist temptation and strive to protect my virtue until our wedding day. I pray that for myself, as well. That I can respect you and uphold you and give you strength and support when you need it the most. Above all things, I pray that our relationship, and our eventual marriage, will be wholly and completely satisfying to our God. That He will smile upon us on our wedding day and be proud of His children for trusting in Him completely and making Him the foundation of our lives together.

I care about you immensely, though I do not know who you are yet. I'm waiting for you.

sessions with my sister II

I really don't even know where to begin this one, and it's probably going to be a really long one, so just bear with me.

I'm starting to realize that God brought me over here for so many different reasons. It wasn't because my sister needed me, it wasn't just because she wanted me to be her "nanny," it wasn't just because a prophetic word was spoken about my future husband. Add this to the list: God is teaching me, through witnessing my sister's marriage and the daily interactions between her and her husband, how to make my future marriage everything I want it to be, and everything I DON'T want it to be. Okay, it's on the list. Good. Continuing on....

What started as something that could have just been a little ten minute conversation, turned into something that was almost a two hour sister session. You guys, I cannot explain to you HOW MUCH I LOVE THOSE!!!! You have no idea how much it means to me, like I'm near tears right now. We start talking about one little thing, and then the conversation just goes in directions that make it blatantly clear that the Holy Spirit is leading this conversation.

Let me give you a bit of background, and Katie or Mama, if you read this, I apologize in advance if any of this makes you sad. I guess this writing thing is a part of the healing process?

You guys. My sister is one of THE MOST IMPORTANT women in my life. I don't have many of them, but she is definitely top 5. Like, my number two. Mama is number one. Anyways. I remember my sister teaching me really important things. We shared a room my entire childhood pretty much. I remember she helped me learn how to read, she helped me learn how to tie my shoes by letting me practice tying a really pretty blue satin ribbon around her wrist; a ribbon that we took from one of my teddy bears, I think. I remember how she used to carry me around like I was her baby, and she even took me to show and tell once. Then we started growing up, and she started getting too cool for her baby sister. I recall one particular day when she was leaving me behind to go hang out with her friends and I yelled at her and called her a piss-ant. Yeah, I called my sister a piss-ant. I think I was seven? I remember seeing a hickey on her neck when she was like 16, I think, and I called her a really horrible name and told her to stay away from me, she was gross. I remember when our parents told us they were getting a divorce, and I remember the night we had a dinner and we made the decision who we were going to live with. Ryan and Josh chose to stay with dad in the house that we had all grown up in, and Katie decided to go with mom. Then it was my turn to choose sides- to choose between my mother and my father. I stared into my bowl of chicken noodle soup and I couldn't handle it anymore and ran into the living room, and sat on the piano bench. Katie came in and sat next to me and held my hand and said that deep down inside, I already knew the answer, and that it was okay. So, Katie and I moved out of our childhood home into a new apartment with our mom. All I remember is feeling very alone all the time. Katie was gone with her friends a lot, and mom was working. Then I remember the day that my sister told me that she had signed papers and enlisted in the Marines, and that she would be leaving after she graduated high school. She had chopped her hair off and SHE WAS LEAVING ME. Essentially abandoning me. I had nobody else. Who was going to help me be a teenager? Who was going to help me navigate high school? Who was going to help me pick out dresses for prom and homecoming? Who was going to be there for me to teach me everything I needed to know about dating and choosing a good boyfriend? I needed my sister to be there for me and she was leaving me.

Since I have been here (almost two months now), we have talked a couple of times about my heart and how I feel about myself. My heart is not whole, and a lot of my heart is closed off. We talked about vows that we make to ourselves and how those vows close off our hearts and essentially become stones, that are very hard to get rid of. What most of you don't know, now that I've been making all kinds of new friends over here in Maryland, is that I was once married. During that marriage, I endured abuse on many different levels. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and at times, sexually abused. I won't go into all of the nitty gritty detail here in this blog post, because this is essentially about tonights session with my sis, but what stemmed from that abuse, was a vow that I made to myself that I WILL NEVER EVER EVER allow a man to treat me that way EVER AGAIN. NEVER. Which, you know, is a good vow to make, right? Well, not exactly. I feel I have to constantly guard my heart from everyone that comes into my life, and it gets so exhausting. What I have realized is that in order for someone to love me completely and wholly, I have to first be able to see myself the way that God sees me. I've been damaged; my ex-husband repeatedly told me that I was worthless, that I could never make anyone happy, that I was a waste of time, and many other more horrible things that I refuse to repeat on this blog. I began to believe those things he told me. Now I have to get to a place where I am convinced of my true identity: the daughter of the King of Kings. A princess. That I am worthy of living and worthy of being loved and that my heart is beautiful and full of life and love and that someday, my heart will be handed to a man that God created just for me.

I am in NO WAY saying that my parents failed me. If there is ONE thing my parents taught my siblings and I, its how to LOVE. We never went without love. Ever. We were hugged and kissed and loved every single day of our childhood lives. They played with us and tickled us and we played games as a family. We went on trips and we spent time camping at the river and boating and enjoying time with other families. WE WERE SO LOVED. What I wasn't taught was how to guard my heart and save it for one person; for the RIGHT PERSON. I wasn't taught how to protect my virtue and wait for The One. Now, after a nightmare of a marriage and four years of wasted time that have left me reeling and hating who I am as a woman and a person, I am 28 years old and I have to start over. The good thing about this is that I now know what I want, and I know what I deserve. The time is now to keep my heart guarded while God does His work on me to make me perfect for the man that awaits me.

paleo chocolate chip banana muffins.

Overripe bananas. Nobody likes those. So what do we do with them? We bake with them. I shouldn't be saying "we" because there was no "we" involved in this kitchen adventure. It was me. Katie had studying to do.

For those of you who DON'T know, I absolutely LOVE baking. I like cooking, but I'm really not as good at that as I am at baking. Don't get me wrong- I'm an amazing cook (or so I've been told), but baking is like my knock 'em dead card. It doesn't matter if its cake or cookies or cupcakes or muffins or whathaveyou....I freaking LOVE baking.

So today I decide to make banana muffins because the bananas are turning black and they need to be put to use. Now, Katie and I aren't eating bread so obviously I had to go with a paleo recipe. Now, if you know anything at all about eating paleo, then you know that it can be difficult to make yummy treats while sticking to the paleo (or paleo-ish) diet that we are on right now. Ever since I cut gluten out of my diet when I moved here, I have never felt better. I had a cheat day on my birthday but that's okay. Other than that, I've pretty much stuck with the whole gluten free, paleo-ish diet. We are kinda scared to go off the deep end and just go full on paleo. What can I say? I like chocolate. A LOT. And I highly doubt that chocolate is paleo.

I ended up finding an amazing recipe....on Pinterest of all places. It was one of those ones where someone blogged someone else's blog or something like that, so I had to go through three hyperlinks just to get to the actual recipe. Annoyance.

 Paleo Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins

http://gfrealfood.com/2012/01/21/banana-chocolate-chip-muffins/

The main satisfaction that I gain from baking is not delicious yummies. My satisfaction stems from other people enjoying the fruits of my kitchen labors. When someone's sweet tooth is satisfied because of my baking, then all is right in the world. 

I hope you guys try out this recipe. If you do, let me know how they turned out for you! We love to warm them up in the microwave and then smother them with butter, because....you know that's so paleo. I'm partial to coconut oil though. :) 

Happy baking, my friends!!!!