its time for a change.

When you see me out and about having a good time with my friends, you may see a smile on my face or hear my loud, obnoxious laughter (sometimes I snort). You may see me dancing along to the music, or singing along at the top of my lungs. You may also think to yourself "damn, that girl is so happy all the time...how does she do it?"

Well, you're wrong. I'm not happy all of the time. I do a damn good job of hiding how unhappy I am by plastering a smile on my face. Faking it, if you will. Now don't get me wrong; when I am out with my friends I am genuinely happy. Being around the people who love me for my idiotic "Jenna Moments" and my ADOS (attention deficit ooooh shiny) makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. The unhappiness that I am talking about is how disgusted I am with myself when I look in the mirror.

Show me a girl who doesn't suffer from body image issues. It's impossible. Women have so much pressure to look a certain way and act a certain way in order to live up to society's "standards" of what the perfect woman is. The "perfect" woman these days seems to be a size zero with a nice tan, long beautiful hair, a flat stomach, big boobs, and a thigh gap. THAT DAMN THIGH GAP!!!! These "standards" are detrimental to a woman's self-confidence and the way she sees herself when she looks in the mirror.

For me, it's a daily battle with my body image issues. I'm not going to lie- I used to be in really good shape. Marine Corps boot camp toned my body to a trim 125 pounds. When I got out of the Marines in 2009, I was in the 130-135 range but I had more muscle than I did fat. My body fat percentage was lower than normal for a woman my age/height/weight. Then this crazy thing called "life" happened, and I stopped running as much as I used to, got a little lazy, put on weight...and it's been that way for awhile. Bring in the factor of a stressful relationship with a man who never made me feel beautiful in my own skin, and it started to break me down. The depression that I had been battling with for a few years came creeping back and yet I had to keep it bottled up. When I was bartending, that weight seemed to just fall off; I wasn't "skinny," I was "toned." Running around and always being on my feet for a 12 hour shift did wonders for my weight loss. I could finally SLIP (not STRUGGLE) into the size 4 jeans I hadn't worn since I lived in 29 Palms. What a feeling that was!!! I felt so good about myself!

Since I moved to Maryland, I've put on a bit of weight. I went from wearing those size 4s, to a size 8, and the last pair of jeans I bought are a size 9 and those are now too small for me. Finding an outfit to wear when I go out with friends is a struggle to the point where sometimes I want to send out a text and back out of our plans because I feel and look so fat in pretty much everything I wear. It also doesn't help when my nine year old niece mentions my weight, although she does it in the sweetest way possible, it's still a dagger to the soul.

So this here is my proclamation for a change. I'm going to make a change, not only physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I need to learn how to love myself the way I did before, when I was the happiest I had ever been. Any and all encouragement and motivation is gladly accepted, but please DO NOT say stuff like "you're tiny" or "you're beautiful the way you are" or "you're skinny already" because NOTHING pisses me off more than that. You may be trying to be nice and encouraging and uplifting but statements like that do not help a girl who has such negative body image issues; in my experience, its actually physically painful trying to convince someone how wrong they are when they have no idea how you are feeling inside.

From here on out, you may see more blog posts from me, documenting my journey to get back to where I once was. You can choose to read along and join me on this journey, or you can just ignore it and keep scrolling, it's your choice. This is just my way of getting the issues off of my chest so I don't have to carry the weight of it on my shoulders. :)

Love and blessings to you! <3

Reflections.

Happy Wednesday. Good ole hump day. Sitting here thinking about anything and everything all at the same time, while my nieces and nephews play with play-doh and make a mess on the carpet, as Abby runs around without a diaper and yelling "NAH!" when I ask her if she needs to go potty, and texting my BFF back home whom I miss with all of my soul, and just wishing for some sort of provisions to help get me home because I miss her and those beautiful boys of hers.

Have you heard of that app called Timehop? Everyday it sends you basically a flashback reel of what you had posted on Facebook the past few years, and today my Timehop flashback consisted of pictures of my last couple of weeks with my ex, Jimmy. Sometimes I look back on our relationship and I really cannot believe that we stayed together for FOUR YEARS. We went through SO MUCH that would have essentially ripped any other couple apart, and yet we survived. The deployments, the training, the long distance. There were times when I was convinced that we weren't going to make it, but we did. The fact that we aren't together anymore is just proof that God had a different plan for my life, and I cannot be upset about that. It's been almost a year since we broke up, and in the past year I've realized that he was holding me back from tapping into who I really am. Don't get me wrong- Jimmy taught me things about myself not only as a woman, but as a human. He helped make me a stronger version of myself and for that, I will always thank him. I really do wish him nothing but happiness in every aspect of his life.

When God called me to Maryland, I had no idea what was in store for me. I sit here and I look back on the past (almost) five months that I have been here and I'm blown away by the friendships that I have made. My friends here have helped fill the void that I had felt for the past (almost) year. I don't know what God has in store for me in the love department but if I trust in His plan, then I know that it is bound to be something amazing.

Well, time to sign off and make the kiddos some lunch. There's a huge bowl of guacamole in the refrigerator calling my name.

Have a blessed, beautiful day.