let me tell you about my mama

This beautiful woman is my mother, Karen. 

My mother is the most amazing person in this world. I don't say that lightly or nonchalantly or just because; I say it because it's the truth. She is, without a doubt, the very epitome of a mother. When God called her to be a mom, He did it knowing that she would rise to the challenge, and go above and beyond her duty as a mom. She has done all that and more. I don't think I would be half the woman I am today if it weren't for her. 

Growing up, she did everything she could to show us that she loved us more than anything in the world, and she did a damn good job of it. She filled our hearts with happiness, our heads with words of affirmation, our bellies with breakfasts and lunches (with apples in the tuna and little notes on the napkins), and dinners that were prepared by her hands and always included heavy doses of love, and filled our ears with all of the best music to ever be made. When we were hurt, she kissed our boo-boos and made them all better. When we were seriously injured, you could see the pain manifested on her face as her beloved babies dealt with broken bones and third degree burns and somehow, I don't know how she did it, but she took our pain away and ingested it all for herself. She supported us through everything we put ourselves into- sports, dancing, school, you name it- and we succeeded because Mama had our backs. She never hesitated to let us know how proud she was of us, and she still does that to this day. 

A woman such as my mother deserves love and respect and to be put up on a pedestal. That wasn't always the case. We weren't always amazing children. There were times when we were FAR from amazing. Personally speaking, I think I gave my mom the worst of it. I was a horrible child. While my mother was the epitome of a loving mom, I was the epitome of an angry child, one that threw her anger and resentment right in her mother's face. I treated my mom with absolute disrespect, pretty much all through high school, and it's sad to say that I didn't realize the full worth of the mother gold mine that I had at my disposal until I joined the Marine Corps. When I all but spit in my mother's face, she still loved me. There were times when I downright DID NOT deserve the love and grace that my mama showered upon me. There were times when I simply did not deserve to have her as a mother; but what did she do? She loved me through all of it. She LOVED me, no matter the hate and disrespect I showered upon her. 

As I said earlier, I didn't realize the true worth of my mother until I joined the Marines, and that's the absolute truth. When I didn't have my mama anymore, all I wanted was my mama. After growing up and realizing exactly what kind of hell I used to put her through, I vowed that I would do nothing but show my mom love and appreciation and respect, because that's what she deserves, all of that and so much more. 

So, on this Mother's Day 2014, I want you to know this, mamabear. I want you to know that I love you more than you could ever imagine. I am so very blessed that God made you my mama, because He knew you would be able to handle a firecracker such as myself. You have made Him proud, because you hit this mom thing right out of the park. I pray that when the time comes for God to make me a mama, that He will mold me into at least half of the mother that you are. Anything more than that, would be an honor. 

I love you forever and I hope that your Mother's Day is blessed. <3

to my future husband.

I don't know who you are and I don't exactly know when you will come into my life, but I wanted to write to you and let you know a little bit about your future wife: me.

You see, it has taken me a long time to get to this place in my life. I know, its 28 years. I'm not just talking about the physical place in my life; I'm talking about the mental and emotional place that I am currently resting at. First and foremost, I want to take a minute and tell you that I am sorry. Why do I feel the need to apologize? There are many reasons, but the most important thing I have to apologize for is that I didn't save myself for you. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself and gave up the most important part of who I am. I gave myself away to someone who is no longer a part of my life, yet he holds the one thing that I should have saved for you, and for that I am so sorry. I can assure you, I am doing all that I can to protect myself from here on out, until you come into my life.

Secondly, I am sorry that I have already given my heart to other men. I look back and I realize that I wasn't following Christ's direction for my life, and those relationships were unnecessary, and ultimately, damaging. How can that be? Let me tell you. I once gave my life, my heart, and my hand to man and took his last name as my own. What I got from that marriage was nothing but pain and suffering. Not only was my body beaten and bruised, but my heart was shattered. I vowed to never be broken by a man again. I built a wall around my heart, forged together with bricks of bitterness and anger and supported by raging trust and commitment issues. I got out of that situation and found myself right back where I started: with a man who didn't deserve me. All the horrible details aside, I am not whole. There are pieces of me scattered around, that I cannot get back, no matter how badly I wish I could. I can assure you though, that I am trusting in God to restore me in His image, so that I can be perfect for you, whenever He decides that the time is right.

I also need to apologize for being slightly crazy. Crazy awesome, to be specific. I hope you can handle all this awesomeness; but of course you can, because that's what God has in store. Trust that He is prepared for so much awesomeness to exist in one household.

I would like you to know that I spend time everyday praying for us. I pray fervently for your heart to be in the right place, as well as mine. I pray that I can become exactly what Christ desires for you, and I pray that when we do cross paths, that we will know, without a doubt, that Christ is directing us. I pray that your intentions are pure; that you can resist temptation and strive to protect my virtue until our wedding day. I pray that for myself, as well. That I can respect you and uphold you and give you strength and support when you need it the most. Above all things, I pray that our relationship, and our eventual marriage, will be wholly and completely satisfying to our God. That He will smile upon us on our wedding day and be proud of His children for trusting in Him completely and making Him the foundation of our lives together.

I care about you immensely, though I do not know who you are yet. I'm waiting for you.